DFH no. 29

Dear Future Husband, 

Lots of thoughts have been clouding my mind lately. I've done things I shouldn't have and I found that I'm a very impatient person who struggles with boundaries. I am trying my best to overcome and to be little miss perfect, but I know it's in vain. I often forget that it's not up to me to bring you into my life. I typically want to take control of things...And so I feel like it's my fault you're not here yet. Why? Because I haven't overcome enough mind-trips or I haven't understood biblical principles well enough yet or I haven't overcome some of my sexual sins. I don't understand why I shoulder such burdens. I don't know why I fault myself with everything. I am a human and nothing I do will change that. I guess I take sanctification to an extreme, yeah? 

Tonight, I finally caved and drew something for you this time. I haven't been really honest with my feelings for you. It's hard because you're just an idea for now. Like, don't get me wrong. You ARE a real person and you are for sure going to appear someday to me. God says so. And what he says, goes. I am very impatient for you. I put too much hope into you it seems. I feel like I'm such a bad Christian because I don't want to put all that pressure on you, a mere man. I know you will not bring me all the happiness I need. You're not the air that I breathe...You're not the one who can fulfill me as much as Christ can. So I don't know why I want you so badly? I feel like it's a normal desire..but I am overly strict on myself. I know thousands of girls who want the same thing as me, and it's fine for them to dream, to think, to talk about such desires, to express those desires, but for me to do it? No it's "not what god would want." 

This gives me quite a bit of depression as you can tell. I just wish you were here so I can see you and then realize that you are every bit as human as I am and that we are able to make things work. I want something special with you. I want to see you. I want to love you. But this depression and anxiety and this back and forth tugging in my mind whether or not to express my romantic heart or not seems to be destroying me. I am ashamed to draw for you. I am ashamed to write to you. I am ashamed to think of you and to ask God for dreams about you or information about you. I'm ashamed to pray for you. I just...don't know. I know I need healing so maybe you can pray for me? I'm praying to God about it and slowly but surely healing. I know God's got this in his hands, I KNOW he's got it. 

So anyway....this entry is just...me letting out my feelings. I really wanna see you so that you're more than just an idea and a promise. I want to see you in that red shirt, but this time be able to see above the shoulders to gaze upon your face. I can only hope that you dream of me too, and want to see me too. I'm trying my best to wait for GOD and his timing. 

-alex
12/13/14


DFH 28: DFH no. 28
DFH 29: --
DFH 30: DFH no. 30